Whether in a Khaki suit or a pimped stripe. I'm a G for G and nuttin' else for life. You can bet your bottom biscuit. You get twisted if you dwellin' in my felon intuition (what up). Subs diary #3
OK. I meets this fella on the 12:35 stoppin all stations and we gets to talkin. He got this big ol head and smiley eyes, beardy all bushy like a birds nest and bugger but don he talks and talks. Tall tales that taller than a tree and stories fetched so bloody far they fair beat the sun to its distant settin. Now this bit is important for yous to remember for later. This bloke got him a boomin voice thatd shake the rafters off ya barn. So he starts to tells me this mumbo jumbo bout the reincarnation. Tells me this old blackfella done told is pop who told is son who told im and now hes gunna tell me.
He says to me that when you cark it theres some business t’attend to. Says to me theres this snake that sleeps right inside what he calls the sacrum bone which is near your arse. And when your ticker stops this snake she breaks out of this bone and starts a crawlin up ya spine and out your ead. “Fancy that?” I says, “right out ya ead hey?”. “But ya cant see it” he says, its visible only ta the man upstairs. Now this snake she gets ya soul in her mouth, cause she nabbed it on the way past your heart which is its natural home. Only shes real gentle, like it was one of her eggs see, and then she takes off and out of the one that carked it cause shes on a mission. “Mission?” I says sartastically. “What kinda mission she on exactly?” Smart arse tell me ta keep me mouth shut and he mights geta it. Now this snake she got a real sensitive tongue that smells. I starts to ask how this is possuble and he gives me the greasies so I sew the lips. Snakes they got real good sense o smell. Now shes on the lookout for sometin particulars. She lookin for a girl that’s up the duff see, but its gotta be three months on, cause that when the feetus is prepared ta takes a soul on. I rolls me eyes cause on the count of my mouth been incriminated already but he gives me the double greasies. So here she come, slitherin in when the ladies asleep, in the belly button she goes and real careful she puts the soul inta the feetus and whammo you got yaself a new baby.
“Bullshits” I says. “Honest to truth” he says. But this aint the end of the tale, cause he tells me that sometimes the snake she just cant find a woman that fits tha particular requirements and she gotta be rid of this soul before it gets cold. He says that sometimes the snake she gotta find herself an animal instead ta puts them while she waits. “Now the interstin thing to the story is this” he says. “And that is you can tell the ones that gone had some time in the animal cause he takes a feature o the creature into the feetus. “BULLSHITS” I scream at im. “If ya tink Im tellin a tall one then cop this” he says. And proceedings to tells me that he was put in a dog, and that the evidences is available for perusal in his own gob. “Me back teeth are as pointy and vicious as a Rottweiler and I tells no lie, an if yous don’t believen me then I invite ya to takes a look for yaself”. An like a cardy shark I calls is bluff and tells im I'll takes that gander. Now we all gots ourselves a comfy zone that nobody allowed in unless ya invites em, an ta lean in on a bloke who got is own zone leaves a man vunerables, theres no denyin it. I holds me breath and starts to lean for a closer inspection and gets ta within inches of his gob, all me concentration on the task of lookin up back for the pointy teeth. And then all of a sudden quicker than a fly onta shit he lets outa almighty bloody bark right in ma face “RRRUFFFFF”. Well me legs they gave ways under me and i lets out this whimper and falls on me arse in shock. This fella gon laugh is fuckin arse off, pointin his bony finger at me and makin me feel like an all day sucker. I lets out a screeching “MOTHERFUCKA” from me perch on the floor and he just doubles is cackin. And thanks God and strike me dead if me Mum wasn’t right about me being a tight arse, cause if I wasn’t one then I woulda fair shit meself.